Slightly Below Average Man
From Illogicopedia
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“I am Slightly Below Average Man!! My powers cannot be equalled!!... although quite easily exceeded”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“I can do everything you can do, only slightly worse!!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Who ya gunna call? The relevant authority, then after that, should the authority fail in its duties, me.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It's an old Ford Escort, driven by Slightly Below Average Man.”
~ Bystander
“Teflon? NOOOOOO! They have discovered one of my many, many weaknesses!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“I may be ill-equipped to foil criminal plots, but I can offer you foil at cheap and competitive prices.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Gahh! I tripped over my cape.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Gahh! I tripped over my foot.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Gahh! I tripped over this child's face.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Okay Slightly Below Average Man, what did the mugger look like?”
~ Policeman
“Darn!! My spandex suit has split, revealing my shame! I shall have to deal with these villains, then sort it out...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“In other news, Slightly Below Average Man was once again arrested today for revealing himself in a public area.”
~ News Reader
“Come, Sidekick Man, time is like my penis... short.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Redundancy, my greatest foe.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Do these tights make my ass look fat?”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Step away from those innocent bystanders, Villain Man, or I will be forced to engage you in a fight, get punched multiple times, and eventually slump to the floor unconscious!!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Yes mother, I promise I will move out soon”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Yes, during the chase I accidentally knocked over 3 buildings, caused a large amount of car crashes, ended the lives of several hundred bystanders and scarred the minds of thousands of others, but wasn't it worth it knowing that the villain was almost apprehended?”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Fear not, people of this world! Your many, many lives now rest in my highly inadequate hands!!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Well that was my 465th un-foiled evil plot... Slightly Below Average Man truly does have the mental capacity and hand-eye co-ordination of a 7 year old.”
~ Villain Man
“Quick Sidekick Man, back to the Slightly Below Average Cave! Oh wait, that was repossessed.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Aha! Villain Man, your abusive comments are no more! I have blocked you.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (on MSN)
“Fear not pedestrians, I shall utilise your bodies as a meat shield while I attempt to fight Villain Man and his numerous pedestrian killing weapons.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“The important thing is, at least I survived.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (in hospital after the incident)
“Ka-Pow! My slightly below average fists have rendered you with vaguely noticeable boo-boos, innocent by-stander!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“How the hell did you manage to get chocolate all down the back of your tights?”
~ Dry Cleaner Store Owner
“Yes, ..."chocolate."”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Yes you will probably all die horrible, slow, painful deaths, but it is a risk that I'm willing to take.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (at a press conference)
“There's to be no crime fighting until you've done your homework.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man's mother
“World security once again rests on Slightly Below Average Man's belief in the slight chance that Villain Man will cut himself whilst shaving and have to retire from villainy.”
~ News Reporter
“Gahh! My face! Hmmm... maybe I should retire.”
~ Villain Man (whilst shaving)
“Okay, so I'm not especially fast, strong, intelligent, reliable, trustworthy, handsome, tenacious, intimidating, competent, consistent, continent, well-built, heroic, secure, alert or sober, but at least my costume is finely stitched in attractive colours.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“If there is anything my hours on GTA have taught me about effective crime-fighting, it's that the easiest way to catch the crook is to drive a car at high speeds down the pavement and hope he is one of the many people killed.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“It appears Villain Man has filed a lawsuit against me for GBH.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Crime never sleeps, so why can't I?”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Wait, no! That 11 year old boy came onto ME!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“The terrorists are planning to bomb the city, killing untold millions, Sidekick Man... I say we get the fuck out of here.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Disgrace is such a strong word...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“That's it, Dr. Bad, I'm going to end this once and for all... but health and safety regulations prevent me from striking, pushing or harming you in any way, so I ask that you step away from the giant laser aimed at London, or I will report you to the authorities and you will risk a criminal record.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Virgin is such a strong word...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“In other news, Marvel has denied Slightly Below Average Man's request of his own comic series on the grounds that 'He is pointless.'”
~ News Reader
“Oh Slightly Below Average Man, if only you spent as much time fighting crime as you did masturbating...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man's mother
“If we hid the lit dynamite inside the hospital, it would prevent Villain Man from using it! I'm a genius.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Slightly Below Average Man was ejected from the Justice League headquarters today after someone finally noticed he wasn't part of the organisation.”
~ News Reporter
“Under-age is such a strong word.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“We need more guys like Slightly Below Average Man around. Not to solve crime, reduce pollution, thwart villains, protect the public, or provide a useful service to the city etc. Mainly just so that people like me get to look good by comparison.”
~ Robin
“Wait, if Villain Man's lair is over there, who did we just kill?”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“... And at that point I had two options... A) Dodge Villain Man's flame thrower, throw him to the floor and switch off his death ray, saving millions of lives, or B) stand there and take a blast of flame to the face, then roll around in pain as he fired at London. In hindsight, option 'A' may have been the better choice.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (speaking from the burns ward)
“Will Slightly Below Average Man be able to reach Villain Man's lair in time? Will he be able to stop his evil plan? Will he even be able to punch his way out of this paper bag? Tune in next week to find out!”
~ Voice-Over Guy
“How dare you suggest that I was robbing that bank! I was just searching the bags of cash for signs of Villain Man. I only moved the money to my account in order to speed up the checking process.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Aw man, the whole of London has been decimated by Villain Man's nuclear weapon. Sidekick Man, fetch the magic sponge.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“What's this? Villain Man AND Dr. Bad are working together to end the lives of billions? This sounds like a job for SOMEBODY ELSE! Come, Sidekick Man, let us bravely run away.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Haha, Villain Man will have to do better than this to stop me from infiltrating his lair...A button labelled 'Slightly Below Average Man: Press here to trap yourself'? This is poor even for his standards.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Blast! I'm trapped!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Slightly Below Average Man, I don't think using a hose to siphon fuel from parked cars qualifies as a super power.”
~ Sidekick Man
“Come on officer, those civilians clearly aren't dead. They're just sleeping!”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (down at the station)
“......*beep* Hey It's me, Slightly Below Average Man, you know, from college. There's this like bank robbery in progress, and I was wondering if you could perhaps give me a lift to the scene as soon as you get back in. That'd be great, okay bye.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man (leaving a voicemail message)
“No, Slightly Below Average Man, you do not have laser-eye powers...those are clearly just glow sticks strapped to your face.”
~ Sidekick Man
“Well, I saw the burning building, and remembering the old fire-safety code, 'Fight fire with fire', I knew what I had to do...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“I can't help but feel that landing in a large pile of dog poo has taken the edge off of my dramatic entrance.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Sidekick Man, we're going to have to stop giving chase to Villain Man, I'm chaffing like a whore.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“I don't quite fully understand the motives behind your recent costume change Slightly Below Average Man. I can sympathise that the crotchless underwear frees up some space down there, but were the fishnet tights and mouth gag strictly necessary?”
~ Sidekick Man
“Yes, I COULD take a shower, but that's exactly what they're expecting me to do...”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Well, I'm sorry, but Superman reversed time by flying really fast around the planet, and I naturally assumed I could achieve the same effect by throwing a brick at an old lady.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Sidekick Man it appears that our crime fighting days are over; my driving license has been revoked.”
~ Slightly Below Average Man
“Day one and a half in the Big Brother house, and Slightly Below Average Man has already given in to temptation and begun masturbating.”
~ The BB Voice-Over Guy
